Silly Short Stories #2


By Simon J Tatt

No forest in the world could be deemed to be a proper forest without the presence of a tortoise. Not a giant tortoise or geometric version, just your good`ol slow moving four legged variety, rustling suggestively through the dead leaves.

One fact about our particular tortoise, Trinity, was that she somehow ended up being born from magnetic parents. It was a particularly difficult delivery for Mrs Trinity who was repeatedly `attacked` by old spoons and bottle caps and assorted metallic objects that ley strewn about the Porkington Forest floor.

“Ouch!” She yelped after a nasty thunk of rusted iron about the size of a fifty pence piece sprang from the leaves and attached itself to her shell. “Blast these little discomforts,” she lamented, kicking her hind legs uselessly in a sort of lame show-horse fashion in a vain attempt to rekindle some form of dignity during her magnetic labour.

Little Trinity was duly laid and shortly afterwards popped from her shell. She scampered nefariously towards an outcrop of sheltering forest radish and sat down. “Hee hee!” Squeaked the attractive little thing, “I don`t have to pay taxes for at least eighteen years.”

I should stress at this point that many of the Porkington Forest dwellers were erroneously informed that taxes are payable from twenty seconds after birth. This information however, is not correct and Trinity would be informed of this in a message delivered by a government squirrel on her thirty second birthday.

As the Earth`s magnetic field is aligned from north to south and most birds and several species of earthworm rely entirely on magnetism to navigate, the newly born magnetic tortoise was affecting their migratory routes. In one instance, a family of gingarly worms from Ethiopia were reported to be wandering aimlessly around, occasionally seeking help from the internet.

It is probably worth mentioning that a flock of rarely seen pterodactyls glided unwittingly and without any directional stability straight into the path of Air Force One. This upset the president tremendously and caused him to spill the beans.

Thousands of miles away and many miles from shore, Captain Christopher Columbus was experiencing difficulties of his own whilst discovering the last little bit of America.

He found that when he steered his ship to the left it would invariably sink and when he turned to the right, all the lights would go out. There was nothing in the operators manual to refer to and since the ship was manufactured in Germany, he believed it to have been built to the highest standards of craftsmanship and therefore to be pretty much infallible. 

Little did the decorated captain realise that all of his ship`s troubles were caused by the meanderings of a little bitty tortoise whose shell generated a magnetic north pole and a magnetic south pole.

At about this time in the development of the world`s history, arrows were being flung across large expanses of lawn as armies fought furiously for ….well …something i suppose. It so happened that a carpenter named William tell (he often spread rumours about his fellow carpenters, hence the name), had just fired an arrow at an apple on his son`s head because his wife told him to when the arrow suddenly veered left and shot off towards Porkington Forest. Trinity was very lucky indeed because as the arrow homed in on her shell, she sneezed and fell into a footprint left by the giant called Blog. Blog sometimes wandered through the forest on his way to basketball practice.

The hazards of being born highly magnetic can never really be fully understood by non-magnetic mortals and so it was that on the twenty eighth of February in the year something, an asteroid from the galaxy Nepharoo bore down relentlessly on planet earth.

This particular asteroid contained many tons of space iron and it was heading in only one direction – straight towards a little known forest in a little known country inhabited by squirrels, giants and tortoii.

It was only at the last minute that the asteroid re-aligned itself with the partially buried helmet that Hitler had used as an emergency potty in his final drug-riddled bumbling Berlin days. How the helmet ended up in Porkington Forest is explained in detail in an imaginary copy of Country Life magazine. Hitler was known to have magnestised his bottom in the final three weeks of the siege of Berlin. It was another of his sad failed attempts to position himself geographically with the north.

Oh my word! The explosion was terrific. Poor little Trinity was knocked upside down. A six and a half kilometre wide chunk of burning space rock had plunged down with magnetic attraction, directly onto the nearby partially buried German relic. A stones throw away from Trinity. 

She managed to right herself eventually, using a portable cake mixer and trundled quietly off into the undergrowth.

Christopher Columbus wrote of the tortoise in his American Declaration of Independance, drawn up on July the fourth seventeen or eighteen something – “Let Trinity be thy name.” And so she did.


Silly Short Stories #2  “Trinity The Magnetic Tortoise” is copyrighted to the author, Simon J Tatt. No persons may reproduce any part of the story in any way for the purposes of financial gain or for any other reasons without the express permission of Simon J Tatt. Law 6785/67 of the Writers Code 2009 protects the above mentioned work and any infringement thereof will result in a fine of $20 000 and/or a jail term of between 5 and 7 years.


~ by Simon Tatt on February 23, 2010.

2 Responses to “Silly Short Stories #2”

  1. Genius – Carry on – waiting for more …

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