Silly Short Story #4

UNDERSTANDING BLACK HOLES

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By Simon J Tatt

According to the fifth law of thermo-distributive dynamics the only way that you can enter a black hole is by way of cosmic combobulation. This is to say that if one were confronted by a large trifle, sponge or pudding of another kind, one would need to consume at least half of it before attempting to walk through a black hole.

A good friend of mine, Captain Gerald Buzzleneck of the US Postal Service, sent me a letter outlining the necessary procedures that need to be followed in order to complete the pre-entry black hole countdown sequence. Quite difficult to execute and very painful in parts.

Here is a  brief explanation of black holes:

They are big, black , smelly and quite difficult to find. They are scared of Jupiter and a little skittish around asteroids and quarks. They do like astronauts and are quite fond of cosmonauts.

Most black holes are named `Jeffrey` and if you see one at the beginning of the week you have to acknowledge its presence by gently bowing to the east in a quietly confusing manner.

Quite often this is enough to discourage them from coming closer than three million light years but occasionally they might become inquisitive and want to look at you through an inter-stellar magnifying glass. If you suspect that you are being eyed by such a cosmic naughty thing you should phone the German police immediately on Nein, Nein, Nein.

It is possible to confuse the existence of a black hole with the existence of mice simply by a process of Strumpfing. This is a common problem with humans and is caused by the retinal information being side-tracked by the brain`s Umbufungulatory Sphere. When you think that what you see in front of you is a mouse, is often not a mouse but a very small black hole.

Small black holes are still capable of consuming elephants and large ships and should not be sneered at. Since most “Jeffrey`s” are millions of light years away it is unlikely that you would meet one at a party.

One of the great 18th century philosopher`s wrote a poem about these wonderfully quirky cosmic thingies and called the poem “Oh Go Forth and Wiggle”. The poem was released in 1788 and did very well on the Poetry Charts up until 1795 when it was knocked off the top spot by Chaucer`s delightful `Ode to All Things Electric`.

Here is `Oh go forth and wiggle`:

`Oh great blackness, you thrive on your greatness

  Oh great dark matter lurch on through the heavens

  Cringe not at the mention of tripe

  But do boldly giggle ….. oh go forth and wiggle`

  THE END

This Silly Short Story #4 entitled “UNDERSTANDING BLACK HOLES”  is copyrighted to the author, Simon J Tatt. No persons may reproduce any part of the story in any way for the purposes of financial gain or for any other reasons without the express permission of Simon J Tatt. Law 6785/67 of the Writers Code 2009 protects the above mentioned work and any infringement thereof will result in a fine of $20 000 and/or a jail term of between 5 and 7 years.

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~ by Simon Tatt on March 11, 2010.

2 Responses to “Silly Short Story #4”

  1. hilarious, simon. wheres the sequel ??

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