Silly Short Story #7



By Simon J Tatt

 It has come to mind that several Chinese soldiers who should have turned left at the shopping mall, in fact continued on until they fell over a used truck salesman from Yang Ting province. It would have been better for the majority of citizens if only well qualified truck salesmen were permitted beyond the borders of the smaller provinces. Tai-Chu Gyangijin is a swarthy well groomed ex-policeman from Huntai just north of Yang Ting – a silly part of China mainly reserved for turtle-dove collectors – he often changes his underwear and likes to wear purple trousers because he says, they make him “feel good”. Tai-Chu is very confident that the next time his country hosts the Olympics they will win gold in every discipline including lake-jumping and the new sport that has been introduced, rabbit squeezing.

Coming from a wealthy family and owning a tractor a combine harvester and two Vespa scooters, the happy young ex-policeman spends a lot of his time watering his garden and raking the driveway clear of spent cartridge casings. It is rare not to hear gunfire day or night in Huntai. I have heard that many many many years ago several irate Buddhists were seen to fire homemade elephant guns at a procession of poppy collectors who felt hard done by that just because people were getting high in their footsteps and not taking full responsibility for their own actions, they blamed it directly on the monks. “Ptooplee kroonjarbikky!” screeched Tai-Chu with a shudder when he recalled the awful poppy incident from many many years ago. “Klinnikikkee hutturbuneedooly deiklatter shnoobunjukk!” Shouted the tall half Chinese half Lithuanian ex-copper. Loosely translated this means – “I am tired of gunshots, let all guns be silent and let people throw only paper swords.” “Grinddy eek puppoodebbendooz.” – “Crikey I think she’s pregnant!”

This last statement seemed to just spurt out because Tai-Chu was still in a quandary over his role in his previous wife’s daily dallyings. Not being a particularly forceful fellow he had allowed the young lady to leave him and shack up with a close neighbour but she insisted on doing her laundry in his living room and to make matters worse, the living room was in the middle of his bedroom. As far as ladies and bumps go, the lady in question owned a rather prominent bump and to top it all, she was busily gathering nesting material.

 Cots, nappies, mobiles (the twirly ceiling jobbies) and an extensive collection of Family Magazine or as it is known in these parts of the world, “Kuk Tarzandid” (Shrieky Monsters). Local radio stations played mournful tunes and a rag doll in the corner of Tai-Chu`s bedroom/laundry had its paper hat slide sadly down until one edge covered its wonky eye. “Handee Dundee” exclaimed the copper. I think he meant that the doll reminded him of Andy Pandy but of that I`m not entirely sure. It is often difficult to know precisely what Huntaians mean when they`re in a state of sadness or melancholy.

No sooner had a tear of something trickled down Tai-Chu`s face when he sprang up off his haunches and ran as hard as he could out through the bedroom/laundry wall and into the vegetable patch. Stamping madly up and down he gesticulated wildly at a passing milkman and with no apparent thought to the environment set himself on fire and within 43 seconds had completely disappeared. ……… sad really.


This Silly Short Story #7 entitled “A China Story”is copyrighted to the author, Simon J Tatt. No persons may reproduce any part of the story in any way for the purposes of financial gain or for any other reasons without the express permission of Simon J Tatt. Law 6785/67 of the Intrinsic Writers Code of 2009 protects the above mentioned work and any infringement thereof will result in a fine of $20 000 and/or a jail term of between 5 and 7 years.


~ by Simon Tatt on April 5, 2010.

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